Monday, October 20, 2014

The Annual Fall Photo Shoot (and potential senior photos for Harrison)

 For the Fourth year in a row- I present to you, the fall line up.  
(For the last three years click here).





My next goal is to PRINT one of these out from each year and FRAME them!  Wouldn't that be awesome to have years and years of this picture on the wall going up the stairs?


Also, Harrison needs a picture for his yearbook.  Here are some of our favorite. 
Volleyball girl

Jacques Cousteau

Sweet scooter skills

JC Penny

Boy with Dog

He should totally be a model. 

(No, these are not serious.)

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Sacred Thoughts, PTSD, and a Spiritual Crisis.

It's as if I've become allergic to ideas I used to hold sacred.

I read a blog post the other day, I can't remember who wrote it but the title was something like this:

Is there a person in your life who brings out the very worst in you?

I thought, "Why yes there is!" so I read it.  The author's conclusion went something like this:

God put that person in your life to help you become a better person/work on your issues/be the person He created you to be. 

Rewind 2, 3, 4 years and would have thought, Yes! I totally agree! But now... Oh now...

Instead I thought, what kind of logic is that? If that conclusion can be drawn then what about, "Does God bless one mother with financial wealth and leave another so poor that her child dies of starvation because one of the mothers needed to learn a lesson?" 

If we accept that good comes from God, doesn't the opposite hold true because we know He could make it all better but chooses not to?

It feels a little like flipping a coin to me. You win some you lose some.  Maybe He likes me today, maybe not.  It feels like it has something to do with me, my actions, my prayers.

But wait, Ephesians 2:8 says, "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

Now I'm confused... by grace... through faith... I can't do anything, but I have to have faith... So I do have to do something? But the faith is a gift, I can't just decide to have it.  

But I digress...

Here's the things.  I have this kid.  This world see's him like this:
"Wyatt is cool and awesome.  I love Wyatt, he is my favorite brother.  Mom is the best mom.  She makes breakfast everyday.  She's the best.  Hiyab is the awesomest sister I have and I love her."
His words are kind and mostly spelled correctly.  He is thankful.  He loves his sister.  If I ended here you'd be left with the impression that he's a sweet and thoughtful boy.

This truth is, he only wrote that because he wrote this first:
He was trying to write, "Wyatt is dumb and a lady and mean."
He noticed me taking a picture and changed it to the kind sign and asked that I take a picture of that one.  

Outside of our home he is a lovely boy.  He plays well with others, does well at school, is a leader on his soccer team, and shepherds little children like the pied piper. Inside our home, he teases, complains, fights, threatens, hates, steals, and lies.  You may not believe me, but he prefers unhappiness.  If I make it right, he simply finds a new wrong. 

He brings out the worst in me.  At times I don't like him, I don't want to like him, I don't want to want to like him.  He's mean to me, I'm mean to him.  He fights, I fight back.  Not always, but when my rope has come to an end.  Sometimes this takes days, other times minutes.  

Was he put into my life so I could find out that I don't have the kindness, patience, and joy for a darling orphaned child that I once thought I had?  Did his mother, who lives in a country stricken with poverty and disease and is forced to live day to day without the basic needs that every human deserves, loose her children to me, a wealthy white women who lives in a stable country with accessible healthcare and support for single mothers, because I needed to learn about myself?  Does my son suffer from PTSD,  (we all suffer from his PTSD),  for the sake of something good by the hands of someone good? 

I'm struggling here.  
My existential crisis has turned spiritual I think.
But what's the difference really.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

I Swear...

Yesterday:

Me, "Wyatt I had a dream last night that I was going to smoke.  I had a pack of cigarettes in my hand, I opened it, I took out a cigarettes and smelled it, I was very excited.  But then I noticed you were watching me and you said, 'MOM! You're going to SMOKE!' So I didn't do it."

Wyatt, "Well you already cut off your hair and started swearing. You may as well start smoking." I laughed.  

Later in the day I said, "Does it bother you when I swear?" and he said, "No. I kinda like it.  It makes you more... It makes you less..." (He had the best grin on his face). 
Me- "More what?" 
Wy- "More normal."
Me- "And less what?"
Wy- "You know!"
Me- "What, goodie goodie? Are you calling me a goodie goodie?"
Wy- "Ya!" (laugh) 
Me- "Okay, well I'll swear for you once a day. In a loving way."
Ezra chimed in, "Swear for me too!" (giggle) 
 

Young Life camp circa 1988.  My BFF and I met Jesus that week. 
 
Disclaimer: My kids are all aware that I used to smoke, that I loved it, and that I would still if it wasn't so bad for you.  And, when I say swear, don't worry, I don't mean the really bad words.