Is that not gold? I read the rest in one sitting because A) I have a child who is graduating from high school in 3 months and I could not help but compare the two of us as peers and B) I was hearing my own 18 year old voice tell me about what I was feeling, and thinking about.
It covers the one year of my life that I went from being a child at home to an "adult", struggling to be a better person, wanting to leave my past in the past, and meeting Kyle. And, wow, did I ever love Jesus. If I could go back and talk to me then I'd say, "Erika, don't be so hard on yourself. Change is a process and it takes time- longer than you want it to take."
Which is weird, because that's exactly what I'd tell myself now.
Everyday I want to write a blog about all the little things a certain someone does that drive my absolutely nuts, but as soon as I sit down to do it I think, "What's the point. I'm being a broken record." I've been asked three times this week if things have gotten better, if he has gotten better. Honestly, it doesn't feel like it.
I feel like I have gotten better with the way I approach behavior and that defuses a lot of his anger. I feel like I have let go of expectations and have stopped calling things out. I sing, "Let it go, let it go, be one with the wind and snow" (I know those aren't the right words, but they rhyme better :) all the time - a constant loop in my head. I say yes when I want to say no. I sit and listen to his rants about the unfairness of the world, his mean sister, the awful kids at school, his brothers who get everything they want, me not EVER buying him new cloths/shoes/toys/candy (all not true). I listen and say, "I hear you, I can tell you're having a hard time, that sounds terrible..." while I'm thinking, "I need to make dinner, you're making this up, do you have to complain about everything?"
But, I've also seen fruit from my patience*. Last week he told me some very detailed stories about his life before us. He connected some dots that help me understand his fears, anxieties and grief. With tears in my eyes, I thanked him for trusting me with his stories. And what about his little sister? She too has been pushing and running. But she has also been clinging and wanting me. She said, "I love you" to me. That's new.
Change is a process. It takes time.
|We started here|
*the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.